So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
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As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
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He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
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