My liver just broke up with me...
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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