now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
