filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
