Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
