i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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