It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
