Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
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you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
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He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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