Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
