I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Randomize
