Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
this will be a night to untag.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
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I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
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That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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