After last night, I could never be a politician.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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