I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
