that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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