I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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