I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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