Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
