You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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