I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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