its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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