I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
