the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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