I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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