Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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