Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
