fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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