Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
