He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
