If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
