Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
