I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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