Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
