Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
