mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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