never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
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