That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
