I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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