$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
