somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
