I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
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I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
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Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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