Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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