u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
