I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
