i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
