Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
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