oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
