my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
