Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
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