I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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