it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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