Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
And then he peed in my hair
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