you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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