Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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