look no pants
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
