Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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